Willy Wonka hopes his Everlasting Gopstoppers can clog the leak
Bernard Spörk | Humble Correspondent
Cocoa Beach, FL—The oil spill that has leaked millions of gallons of crude into the Gulf of Mexico has reached the shores of Willy Wonka’s chocolate river, causing the world’s largest candy maker to take desperate measures in order to preserve its naturally flavored resource.
Due to the tight security surrounding Wonka’s Cocoa Beach compound, no one knows for sure how much of the chocolate river has been tainted. However, part-time scientists from nearby Brevard County College have confirmed that their Polaroid pictures show that Wonka’s crew of Oompa Loompas have been working around the clock to contain the oil leak.
“Oompa loompa doopity dee, if you are wise you’ll listen to me,” said one of Wonka’s top aides. “Why, after a month does the crude still leak? The oil company is slick and the president is a sneak. The pollution to our river has angered the chocolate king. Now he’s trying to decide whose balls to put in a sling.”
Wonka Candy Co. Vice President of Operations Chaz Bucket was less cryptic, yet equally forceful with his assessment of the situation. “Of course we’re angry about the damage being done to our river—it’s catastrophic,” Bucket said after a meeting with company shareholders. “It took us years to purify the chocolate river after the Augustus Gloop incident. Something has to be done now or the country’s chocolate supply is going to be destroyed…along with the ecosystem and stuff.”
In the 38 days since the Bleeding Petroleum (BP) drilling rig exploded, an estimated 20 million gallons of crude has spewed into the Gulf. The United States hasn’t seen this much wasted fuel since Chevy released its Humungous SUV in 2002. BP is quickly running out of ideas on how to stop the oil geyser after its latest attempt at plugging the leak with 6,500 tons of trash shipped in from New Jersey has failed.
With the threat of Wonka’s chocolate river going dark, Bucket has decided to release the secret formula for the Everlasting Gopstopper to the federal government. Since the candy is purported to last forever, Bucket feels it would be the ideal tool to halt the gusher. “The Gobstoppers can withstand any pressure and will not dissolve or crack,” Bucket promised. “Even a big mouth like Interior Secretary Ken Salazar wouldn’t be able to break it.”
Added Bucket, “I told President Obama that he could have the secret formula as long it’s not leaked to our rival, that ‘everlasting nobgobbler’ Arthur Slugworth.”